the Japanese city
Well, here's the breakdown. I went to Kobe today and i have concluded that all Japanese cities are built the same way. Here are some of the rules for building a modern Japanese city:
1. No trees or green areas are allowed inside the city. There may be enormous mountain forests bordering it, but nothing alive is allowed inside besides humans and their dogs, which may be carried in shopping carts or fashionable bags if small enough.
2. There must be enough pachinko parlors to increase the noise level appropriately within the city. The flashing neon lights will help to promote a healthy blindness in all citizens or induce entertaining seizures.
3. All food items must be packaged in plastic wrap in order to be deemed eatable. Expensive fruits as well must have plastic covering their entire surfaces, and all goods purchased must be wrapped in at least one, preferably two, plastic bags.
4. Cement shall replace and cover anything reminding us of the natural world.
5. The taller the buildings, the better. The more stores per square meter the better. If there is a space lacking a store, one must be erected in that space. If one is anywhere in the city and a commercial development is not in direct view, the city planner should be replaced immediately.
6. Young people must stand out in the street, with or without voice amplifiers, and shout at passers-by to purchase such-and-such an item, go into such-and-such a store, or give blood.
7. Young people, especially young women, must be dressed in the most ridiculous clothing on the market, preferably clothes that are based on some warped version of current European fashion. Young men may wear T-shirts with incomprehensible English slogans.
8. Reminders of traditional Japan shall either be removed completely or left to stand out starkly against the background of progress. Small shrines are permitted to stand on street corners as long as they are surrounded by advertisements and expansive shopping malls. Temples and such are allowed outside of city limits.
9. Vending machines shall replace trees in abundance and they shall sell drinks which shall all taste strikingly similar.
If these rules are strictly adhered to, the city may be safely called modern Japanese. There are many places in Japan that are not yet "modern", and these places are still suffering from a lack of progress and concrete. Perhaps one day, i will be able to go to any place in Japan and enjoy all the comforts of unbridaled capitalism.
1. No trees or green areas are allowed inside the city. There may be enormous mountain forests bordering it, but nothing alive is allowed inside besides humans and their dogs, which may be carried in shopping carts or fashionable bags if small enough.
2. There must be enough pachinko parlors to increase the noise level appropriately within the city. The flashing neon lights will help to promote a healthy blindness in all citizens or induce entertaining seizures.
3. All food items must be packaged in plastic wrap in order to be deemed eatable. Expensive fruits as well must have plastic covering their entire surfaces, and all goods purchased must be wrapped in at least one, preferably two, plastic bags.
4. Cement shall replace and cover anything reminding us of the natural world.
5. The taller the buildings, the better. The more stores per square meter the better. If there is a space lacking a store, one must be erected in that space. If one is anywhere in the city and a commercial development is not in direct view, the city planner should be replaced immediately.
6. Young people must stand out in the street, with or without voice amplifiers, and shout at passers-by to purchase such-and-such an item, go into such-and-such a store, or give blood.
7. Young people, especially young women, must be dressed in the most ridiculous clothing on the market, preferably clothes that are based on some warped version of current European fashion. Young men may wear T-shirts with incomprehensible English slogans.
8. Reminders of traditional Japan shall either be removed completely or left to stand out starkly against the background of progress. Small shrines are permitted to stand on street corners as long as they are surrounded by advertisements and expansive shopping malls. Temples and such are allowed outside of city limits.
9. Vending machines shall replace trees in abundance and they shall sell drinks which shall all taste strikingly similar.
If these rules are strictly adhered to, the city may be safely called modern Japanese. There are many places in Japan that are not yet "modern", and these places are still suffering from a lack of progress and concrete. Perhaps one day, i will be able to go to any place in Japan and enjoy all the comforts of unbridaled capitalism.
posted by mdove at 10:52 PM
2 Comments:
What about the giant robot hangar? And the Godzilla-proof forcefields that surround each city? And the Ninja Recruitment Center? You forgot those! If I've learned anything in all my years as an ignorant American, it's that all Japanese stereotypes are 100% true in every way. God bless America!!
-Sukoto
It gladdens me to know i am supported by nationalists as maddeningly zealous as i. Long live america and his ravenous appetite for both natural resources and hilariously inaccurate stereotypes!
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